She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
