I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
