Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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