That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
