my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
