Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you will always have a special place in my vag
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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