Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You took a bar mat shot.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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