Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
