DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
