Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
