I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
