I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I deserve this hangover.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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