come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
