So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize