I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Quick, to the slutcave!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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