He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
