White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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