i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
