Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
