This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
