Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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