i don't like sucking hair
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
