Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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