Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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