I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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