you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
