I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
