i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
