I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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