i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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