Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
