Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I met the friendliest cop last night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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