Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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