They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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