i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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