This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
