everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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