What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
