Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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