just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
smell my finger.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
