and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
