Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
