Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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