If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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