Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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