I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
