I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
