In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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