my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
