Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We have started to decorate penises.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
