Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
