I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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