You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
