my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
