OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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