I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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