I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
