your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
