Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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