My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
