i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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