First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
